My Quarter-Life Crisis

Pardon me while I burst
Pardon me while I burst
A decade ago I never thought I would be
Twenty-three on the verge of spontaneous combustion woe-is-me
But I guess it comes with the territory
An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity
I need you to hear I need you to see
That I have had all I can take
And exploding seems like a definite possibility
To me

So pardon me while I burst in to flames
I’ve had enough of this world, and its people’s mindless games
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me, I’ll never be the same

Not two days ago I was having a look in a book
And I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said I can relate
‘Cause lately I’ve been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from
The burdens of the planet earth like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D
And thinking so much differently

So pardon me while I burst in to flames
I’ve had enough of this world, and its people’s mindless games
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me, I’ll never be the same
Never be the same, yeah…

Pardon me while I burst into flames
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me
So pardon me while I burst into flames
I’ve had enough of the world and its people’s mindless games
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me, I’ll never be the same
Pardon me, never be the same

– Incubus, Pardon Me

A fork in the road
Fall semester 2008 I hit a wall. I was in my second semester of graduate school pursing my Master’s degree in Economics when my little world came crashing down around me. The linear path I had planned for myself was not working and I suddenly found myself questioning everything I had ever anticipated my future life would hold.

Before the semester began, I knew I was unhappy with where I was in my life. I had chosen to pursue my Master’s degree directly after my Bachelor’s at the same school and in the same subject hoping that it would bring me some clarity and sense or direction. At that point, I knew I wanted to pursue academia, but I wasn’t sure that Economics was the right field and didn’t want to commit to a PhD program without having a stronger sense of what I wanted for my career. Also, I wasn’t adequately prepared for that level of study and a Master’s would help me to both figure out if the PhD was the right path and prepare me for it if that was indeed the path I ended up choosing. And for some reason I was under the impression that doing a Master’s degree would some how answer the questions my Bachelor’s degree made me ask. However, I discovered that doing more of the same would really just make me ask more of the same questions…

Here lies the answer
During Fall 2008, I was enrolled in graduate-level Microeconomics and preparing to take the comprehensive exam at the end of the semester. I have never liked Micro… Macro I love, but Micro sucks. On top of the subject being difficult, I was also overwhelmed with a number of other things I had to contend with. I was working two jobs, one of which was teaching 100-level Macroeconomics and the prep-time I spent on that was ridiculous. I also had 4 classes total that semester and I was just plain burnt out. As a result of the accumulation of overwhelming stress, I reached my true breaking point. Every semester I reach a breaking point, but never before had I reach my ultimate breaking point. This is when I hit the wall. For the first time in my academic career, I got a C in a class. And this wasn’t just any class – this was Microeconomics, one of my core courses for my Masters. Thankfully, I had gotten better grades in other classes so my GPA never fell below a 3.0 (the minimum GPA for our program) but still, it was a pretty big slap in the face. Everything I knew, everything stable, and everything I had planned for my future was just washed away with one grade. Everything came crumbling down all at once. I really felt like I was living in a sturdy brick house, safe and secure that suddenly came crashing down around me. It was completely unforeseen – I never thought I would find myself at a point of complete chaos in my personal life and absolutely lost.

Doing more of the same thing made me ask more of the same questions until I mentally/emotionally/all-but-physically combusted – and that’s when I found my answers. I discovered that not only do I suck as an academic (well, not really but my graduating GPA was a 3.5, my worst ever), I also wasn’t happy with what I was doing. And from this experience, I’ve come to realize that there’s nothing worse than doing something I dislike every day and watching it suck away my opportunities to do stuff that I love. Really, it’s the opportunity cost the sucks more than the rest of it. So, I needed a change. I stopped focusing on my future for the time being and started focusing on the present and my present happiness. I asked myself the question, “What makes me happy?” and I started answering it.

I started playing sports again, I stopped studying quite as much, started hanging out with my dog, cats, and human friends a little more, and I joined the Peace Corps. Yeah, that’s right. Screw the PhD, I’d rather be thrown into a developing country, learn an obscure language, and (hopefully) do something productive while I’m at it.

And now, almost a month into my Peace Corps training, I can honestly say that ‘C’ is the best grade I’ve ever gotten.